Well, the responses to last month’s question pertaining to my inability to suspend my disbelief were wide and varied, both in content and in demographic locations. We’re not up to the amount of responses that say Carrot Top gets, but we’re getting there.

The first response I received was from a man located in Tipp City that we will refer to simply as “Loser Living In A Fantasy World That He Didn’t Even Have The Gumption To Create” so as to conceal his identity. The response was a long, drawn out lesson in loserdom. He seemed to focus specifically on the passage I wrote alluding to the fact that Spiderman would not be able to perform his web slinging act within the real world. “Loser Living In A Fantasy World That He Didn’t Even Have The Gumption To Create” proceeded to tell me that “…the tensile strength of a spider’s silk was equal to that of high grade steel and Peter Parker’s physiology was radically changed by the radioactive spider bite he received, thereby greatly enhancing the structure of his skeleton and inter-connected tissues. Spider-Man's musculature has thereby also been augmented so that he is superhumanly strong and flexible.”

Well, when put so eloquently as that, how could I do anything else but concede the point? When I began this column, I said that I wouldn’t be the one offering up advice as the mistakes I have made (and continue to make) prevents me from feeling even remotely capable of commenting on another’s decision. However, this letter begs to be answered.

*Ahem* Dear Loser Living In A Fantasy World That He Didn’t Even Have The Gumption To Create:

I know that you probably work somewhere where knowing how to speak in Klingon is a job requirement, but you have to put down the Cheetos, put on some clean underwear, haul your fat ass out from behind the computer, give your “action figures” to some deserving child, move out of your mother’s basement and try to become tethered to that scary, big blue ball that we have all come to call “the world.”

O.K. Now that we’re done with that, we can go on with responses from plausibly more stable individuals. Rayna, from California said, “Take a couple shots of tequila.....it won't make you think.......that's what I do.” Advice that turned out to be so very true, yet not thinking while drinking tequila can lead to sordid debauchery, like the reckless endangerment of a Koala bear, with exposure to and attempted sodomy of same. Sometimes, there is the slight need to think, especially when you find yourself at the pet store standing in a one hundred and twenty gallon fish tank trying to put the worm from the bottom of the tequila bottle on a hook.

Arla, from Texas, stated, “I think you should totally attend such festivals while wearing your Depends in plain sight.” I feel it is my duty to defend myself by stating that I don’t wear Depends as that is one faculty that I have as yet to lose. However, I feel that in the case of festivals and events, a Depends may come in handy as I don’t want to stand at a line of urinals with some stranger piddling upon my boots. Port-O-Johns are completely out of the question after what I saw happen to some poor kid at Boy Scout camp when one was tipped over with him in it. Aside from the obvious fecal fandango he endured, he was also dyed blue for I don’t know how long.

I did receive a well thought out, empathetic response from Chelley out of Florida. “Eh, you can't control events, just your perspective of them. What does it hurt to suspend belief for a few hours or let go of the reality of the ‘real world’? Without imagination, no one would actually invent anything or learn something new and fun. Life is hard enough without the cold, hard realities of the real world constantly taking up "the view." Why not take a few minutes to just enjoy a fantasy moment? You are the one that can control your perspective and it's your choice to be happy or sad or bitter at any given moment. You have found a way to enjoy life through writing and sarcasm, nothing wrong with that- just like there is nothing wrong with people dancing like fools trying to recapture a few moments of lost youth and happiness from memories of a happier time or through the world of fantasy in a movie.”

So very thought provoking and sensitive…almost like Dr. Phil before Oprah had him surgically removed from her hip. It is true what she said though. We are the navigators of our own journey. Perhaps I should embrace things for what they could be and not for what I think they should be…but then again, that would be wholly unrealistic.

Since I prattled on and on in response to the responses, I will keep this month’s personal issue as short and sweet as I can. Rudeness. I speak of the pervasive rudeness that one encounters almost every minute of every day. From the store clerk who’s cell phone conversation is far more important than actually doing her job to the acne encrusted youths who feel that since they have Children’s Services number tattooed on their forehead, they are immune to the effects of a car, hence, they just stroll into the path of them without looking. It is a society where people shove their way in front of you. Their vocabulary does not consist of the words ‘please,’ ‘you’re welcome’ or ‘thank you.’ How does one react when confronted with such rudeness and not bring themselves down to that base level. If you ‘turn the other cheek,’ you are viewed as weak, and we all know that you have to be ‘hard’ and detached to survive ‘on the street.’ So what recourse is there when confronted by this animalistic devolution of man?

Send you advice to This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it or actually break out a pencil and paper and scrawl your response on a piece of paper and mail it to Tour Great Miami C/O Dear You P.O. Box 191 Tipp City, Ohio, 45371.

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