The thought of going away to college for the first time fills a person with excitement, fear, trepidation, independence and usually a gassy bloated feeling that generally works itself out by the second week. While a lot of colleges in our area are attended primarily by locals who either still live at home or live in an area that they are already familiar with, we’ll ignore them for the moment and concentrate on those who are leaving home and living on their own for the first time in their lives.

There is always a period of adjustment as you feel your way around new surroundings and new people. This is normal. Even after the settling in process is complete, there will be periods where your roommate(s) become intolerable primates that can’t seem to clean up after themselves, have no understanding of the laws of privacy nor do they care how annoying their incessant whining is. Trust me, I go through this constantly, but Child and Family Services apparently has some type of law against me kicking my children out of the house.

For your situation, however, the best thing to do is to immediately create a foundation of rules and responsibilities and do so in writing. From who is responsible for taking out the trash, doing the dishes and keeping the common areas clean to what to do with the drunken friend of a friend that has passed out on the couch and is currently emanating noxious fumes. Do this in writing, for the time will come when a knock down, drag out argument will most certainly ensue and while you’re roommate’s attention is focused on the paper, you can take that opportunity to knock him in the back of the head with a half empty party keg of Molson. This is a real world lesson called “aggressive contract negotiation.” See, everything is a learning experience!

Not to sound like a bizarre echo of your mother, but it is important to keep yourself and your house/dorm room clean. While living in such close proximity with hundreds of others in an age of rampant antibiotic resistant staph infections, the last thing you want to do is catch a case of the creeping crotch fungus from wearing the same boxer shorts three weeks running. While we’re delving into that region of the anatomy, take it upon yourself to be responsible and carry condoms at all times. This goes for men and women. It is rather difficult to cram for the final exam with a caterwauling crumb snatcher attached to your hip. Just always act like you’re in a deli and wrap the meat, lest it go bad.

Okay, back to all college type folks in general…

When starting a new course, take the time to introduce yourself to your new instructor. Get to know them and possibly learn what non-course related activities interest them. Maybe you can make a day of it, keeping close surveillance on them for awhile, making detailed notes as to their day to day movements and remember to take a lot of pictures. You never know when a beautifully Photoshopped photo will make the difference between an F and an A.

On a serious note, you should actually introduce yourself to the instructor and try and actively participate in discussions and Q & A sessions, even if you possess a shy nature. Ask a question if something doesn’t make sense to you or if you feel that you have received a lower mark than you deserved on a paper or a project. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding as to the intent and thrust of your project or you may have misinterpreted exactly what the instructor wanted, so by questioning the grade, you may learn how to approach the next project correctly. Never let petty grievances fester to the point of an outburst, as this could label you for the rest of your college career.

The one thing that this generation doesn’t seem to have to worry about that mine did was the edibility of the food served at colleges and universities. The unidentifiable goo and the chicken wings that were rejected by the Marines as too poor of quality have been removed from the menu. The fare now looks and tastes as if it came from a four star restaurant. I have eaten at UD, Sinclair and Miami University and all of them have not only an incredible sit down menu, but a myriad of choices for after hours or in between class snacking. To level the playing field a bit, the UD ghetto used to be on par with Animal House. I lived in a frat house for nigh on two weeks, eating, drinking and being merry, before it came to light that I didn’t go to that school nor did I actually know anybody that belonged to that frat. So before you get all smarmy about the excellence of food, we had keggers that would obliterate most of your frontal lobe.

Another point I’d like to stress is the importance of a game plan. Try and map out what you want to major in prior to applying to a college. Have a list of what the requirements will be and how many years it will take, replete with a functional back-up plan just in case things don’t work out or the market changes dramatically, thereby making your original choice not a viable one. Don’t go into college to “find yourself,” figuring that inspiration will strike and a path will be illuminated while you’re playing Frisbee golf with your roommate “Stankbooty.” This will not happen. What will happen is that you will meander about for three and a half years, partying and hooking up and it will suddenly hit you like a molded bag of pureed monkey feces that you only have a few months to figure out how to turn the handful of credits you accidently accumulated and turn them into a degree. You’ll lead a nomadic existence, wandering from place to place until, in the twilight of your life, you land a job as a third rate writer at a second rate newspaper and you spend your last remaining years on earth pounding away at a keyboard just praying for an aneurysm to take you quickly. They make me deliver the damn papers here, for chrissakes! Go to college! There’s still hope for you!

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