So consider yourself warned. If you break these rules, and happen to be in the same theatre as me, prepare to be publicly humiliated and/or popcorn dumped on you.

Rule # 1 – Do not sit anywhere around me. The two seats in front of me are for my feet to be propped up. That means if you chose to sit there, I will be kicking the back of your head for the duration of the film. Want to take a chance anyways? That’s fine; I’ve worn my smelliest pair of gym shoes, just for you. Enjoy. Don’t sit beside me. There are plenty of other seats. If you sit immediately behind me, which you shouldn’t anyways, but if you do, avoid kicking or touching the back of my seat. The only exception to this rule would be a significant other, such as a girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, or grandmother. Please note that significant other does not include babies, which leads to…

Rule # 2 – No babies. Sorry mom and dad, hire a babysitter. You may be able to tolerate your hellish little spawn’s screams of terror and poopy diapers for two hours, but the rest of the crowd trying to watch the movie cannot.

Rule # 3 – No sick people. If you are sick, stay at home. Lay in bed. Go see your doctor. A trip to the movies is not going to cure that nagging cough, sinus infection, or stomach flu that causes you to get up and use the restroom every five minutes.

Rule # 4 – Be quiet. Talking is cool while you are waiting for the movie to begin. Feel free to impress your date or friends with useless movie trivia knowledge. The commercials that run before the previews are your first warning to hush. This is generally the one ignored by the giant group of really cool high school kids sitting in the back. Once the previews are over, all conversations should be finished. And obviously, once the movie begins, don’t talk. This also includes letting everyone know right when a scary scene is about to happen and reciting a line from the movie because you have already seen it. Signs of emotion generated by the flick, such as laughing or crying (if you female) however, are fine.

Rule # 5 – Turn off your damn phone. The previews warn you to shut off your phone and pager (does anyone actually have a pager anymore?) several times. Contrary to popular belief, I really don’t want to hear your 50 cent “In da club” ringtone going off every thirty seconds. Also, whipping out your phone and checking for missed calls or text messages is also a distraction. Just leave your phone in the car, or in your mother’s minivan, depending on what mode of transportation you used to get to the theatre.